Appropriate Hoon Orthotics

I need to sit down.

I am sitting down.

I need to sit more down. I need to lie down, perhaps. Maybe then the pain will subside, but…ow, that still hurts, from toes to ankle. What have I even done to my foot? I only ran three seconds to catch the bus!

Gosh, I should’ve remembered what I was taught by Sailor Hoon, all those years ago.

I’ve always been a massive fan of the English dub of Pretty Car Dealer Sailor Hoon, even though people bash it for adding that preachy ‘Sailor Hoon Says’ segment at the end. Look, they can say what they like, but I learned so many things, like why you need to go and have arch support insoles fitted if you’re having foot pain while running. And the value of podiatry clinics, Melbourne based ones. Then again, maybe I remember that one most keenly because it was one of the few that directly related to the episode. In the original Japanese dub, Sailor Hoon’s boyfriend- Suity Veilface- had sustained a foot injury, perhaps caused by using orthotics that were not appropriate for his foot size. This meant that he was having trouble with their illegal hoon street racing, so Sailor Hoon had to shove herself into the footwell to press the pedals for him while they drove. They won every race that week, handily, causing Suity Veilface to suggest that this become a permanent arrangement.

Sailor Hoon was not, as you’d expect, impressed. She dragged him by the ear to get proper custom orthotics fitted, and by the next week, all the Sailor Louts were back to driving their own cars, and avoiding the police in individual vehicles, which gave them a much better chance to split up and escape.

Then the ‘Sailor Hoon Says’ segment made perfect sense, because it told all the kids to get children’s orthotics fitted in Cheltenham if they ever feel pain while they’re running. And I did! I felt SO proud of myself for alerting my parents, based upon Sailor Hoon’s suggestion. And of course, the segment ended as it always did on a hypocritical warning for kids to never street race, or be a hoon. Even as a seven-year-old, I learned easily to ignore that part.

-Dylan-kun